Come Clean...

"Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with"
- Bob Dylan, Positively 4th Street

I wonder if the guy that told me that has come clean by now.

There i was, one week into my first “company” job in 1996. I had my suit on and set out for my 1/2 mile walk to the BART station. Rockridge to Embarcadero station. Daydreams of working in a high rise and feeling really good about the future. And then, just a block before the BART station I am drawn to my right. Here is some dude crouched on the ground asking me for some spare change. I continue walking past him, not moved by his request, and then from the rear I hear the dude exclaim, “c’moooon, come clean”. And I haven’t forgot those words since.

Perhaps because those words symbolized such a profundity. The words did get me to glance back at him one last time and I was able to form a mental image of him at that point. Truth be told, he actually looked like that dude that was made popular on David Letterman around this time, Manny the Hippy.


I did sort of feel out of place in a suit. Just a few weeks before I had been wearing shorts on a daily basis and regularly visiting the clothing optional pool at Strawberry Canyon, on the UC Berkeley Campus. Once I learned I got the new job, I visited Men’s Wearhouse and picked up 2 suits, 2 pair of shoes, and a few extra shirts and ties. (we are all familiar with the mix/match delusion). Up until this job, I had only worn suits for those special occasions such as temple activites, weddings and funerals. So yes, I can safely say, I didn’t feel quite myself in the suit. In fact, while wearing it, I sort of felt like I couldn’t believe I had crossed over to the other side. Corporate Weasdom! I was mentally conflicted, sort of felt like I couldn’t act in the office the way that I was used to acting amongst my friends. My self confidence was relatively low as I was trying to learn how to fit in and succeed in this new role. There was a huge learning curve and while stressful, I was determined to figure out the game.

So when I heard that I should, “come clean”, it was certainly something that resonated with me. I wanted to rip that suit off right there, lean toward him and proclaim, “yes, you’re right - i need to figure out a way to stop this charade!” But reality set in. Here was a guy begging for money and if that’s what coming clean meant, I preferred to stay dirty. In my own way, I had tried to come clean during the previous four years after graduating from college. During that time, I had some great experiences, but alas, ended up living out of my car and going from dead end contract job to the next.

After peering back at this dude and looking into his eyes, I knew he was partly right. However, it was painfully obvious that being right in a theoretical sense didn’t mean shit in the world of practicality.

I didn’t give him a dime, and never saw him again.